As some of you may know or have guessed by now, I have depression. It’s shitty, you feel like your screaming but no one can hear you and that your in a bottomless pit. Honestly, that is how I feel most of the time. And the stupid thing is, it can spring on you at any given moment, you could be in a lesson and boom…Your paranoia kicks in and then the thoughts come flooding in. But not just any thoughts, oh hell no….It’ll be thoughts about how much everyone hates you and that no one wants you around.
It’s sad, but it’s true none the less.
Today I had my drama exam…I honestly thought I did well consider the amount of shit I have gone through this last week alone! But no..Of course, I pretty much failed it. I know sometimes you have to fail your exams in order to do better…But do you know how hard it is, too see everyone around you getting the top grades and your there about 3 grades below them…It’s pretty embarrassing. All I could do was sit there…and cry. Because everyone needs to cry at some point or another, but something so little can be so significant in someone’s life. Words can break a person, they can even scar a person if they are not careful.
It made me feel worthless, not that I didn’t feel that already, but it just made that statement more true. It was a realization of how much of a failure I actually am. I shouldn’t be failing at life this bad, but I am. I have no idea how to come out of this pit I have got myself to, I wish I knew how to get out of it…Even if it’s just for an hour. No one should ever have to feel like this! No one should ever feel like they are worthless! But most of us do.
My suicidal thoughts have increased since last week, causing me to contemplate life…If I am being 100% honest…I do want to die. I want to die so bad, that it’s physically killing me to stay alive. No matter what anyone says, I’ll kill myself in a fucking heartbeat, if it means that this pain I have on the inside will go away!
Sitting up late at night, deciding whether not to kill yourself is one of the most horrendous feelings in the world! No one should be feeling like this! But why do we?
Why do we lye awake at 3am in the morning deciding whether or not to drink ourselves to death or to just take one more tablet to push you over the edge.
When you fail at this, it makes you feel pathetic! Like you’ve failed at death as well as life…
I guess…That’s how I feel. ..
Till next time, Amber.