It’s funny how best friends become enemies and how enemies can become best friends. It’s a concept that can not be explained, it’s unexplainable. Someone that could be so close to you, can mean nothing to you with in a matter of seconds, it’s all a matter of judgement and if they are there when you really need them.
Over the past few weeks I’ve figured out who my true friends were and who clearly were fakes and were probably only friends with me because they saw me five days a week at school, which I now don’t attend. Honestly when it first happened I didn’t quite know what to do, I was losing everyone in the space of 24 hours and it felt pretty shitty. I was crying my eyes out about how “friends” that used to mean so much to me, now meant dirt to me because that’s exactly how they were treating me. I was basically dirt to them, someone with depression who clearly didn’t have the slightest clue that everyone fucking hated her! To be honest, me being hated isn’t something I am bothered with, if you hate me I am 100% fine with that, but don’t ever lie to me about not hating me because I will more than likely want to kill you…with a fucking shovel.
It’s just the fact that those who claimed to be my friends thought demoralizing me was the best way to help me along the way to recovery…they were so fucking wrong. It caused me to go into a long spiraling pit of depression, well a state that was worse than I was already currently in. What those who left me didn’t realize was I hurt myself to prevent others from hurting me and to prevent myself from hurting others. But in the end I am the one having all three happen to her. It may have been weeks since I last self harmed, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had thoughts about doing it. The thoughts will still be there in months to come, but becoming strong enough to prevent yourself from harming yourself in one way or another takes some fucking determination and motivation. Both of which I can not do.
I guess you can say that I was strong enough to walk away from those “friends” of mine. I knew they were toxic from the beginning, I just didn’t want to believe it as I thought it was just my depressing and paranoia kicking in and playing tricks on me. But turns out my thoughts were true. They were toxic! They were the reason I never fucking wanted to attend school! They were the reasons for my mental break downs at 2am in the morning because I felt pushed to attend school, after being told it was okay for me too go in as and when I can, and not to push myself too far.
I shouldn’t really blame people for my life decisions because I made them, but they sure darn made me fucking make a quick and rash decision about the next step in my life. And that was booting them out of my life!
I shouldn’t be a fucking push-over, I shouldn’t be scared to attend school because some of the students are so stuck up there own asses to realize that this isn’t a perfect world, and that mental illnesses do exist!
Being signed off was one of the best life decisions I have ever made, it means I can now take some time to focus on what I want in life. I can focus on improving on my flaws and starting a fresh in September, in a new place, with new people and surrounded by people who don’t know my past but that’s okay, it means they won’t be able to use it against me. Which is one of the reasons why friendships do tend to break. The things that have happened in the past can get used against you, in the worst way possible, but no one should ever blame you for your past. You may have done some really crappy stuff in your old life but doesn’t mean you are still like that now, you could be a new person, a better person than you were before because maybe you’ve cut down on various things or maybe have had some time to yourself to reevaluate your life and how you can make it better for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be selfish, it’s not the end of the fucking world because you’ve decided to put yourself first for once. Whatever you need to do, you just have to grab it by the horns and fucking do it! If it will truly make you happy, I say go for it! If you want to cut people out of your life because they are making you worse, then good for you! Have the courage that took me years to get and get rid of those who take you for granted and don’t evaluate your friendship with them. At the end of the day, it’s your life, you do what you want.
True friends are very rare these days, keep those that actually care and love you close to you.
Till next time, Amber.