“The Fear Of Falling Apart”

Today I want to talk about family and how important they are. Well, I say “Important” but sometimes particular family members aren’t that important to you, they can literally ignore you in the street and pretend you don’t exist. Those are the worst type of family members. I hate to say it but I do have family members that do exactly that when I see them in passing. They ignore me, pretend I don’t exist and it hurts, it really fucking hurts! Knowing that your own father has rejected you, kills you from the inside.

Ever since I was born, my father, (who shall not be named), rejected me, he never wanted me to be born. He only wanted sons but he was disappointed by fact I was a girl. I may of not been the son he wanted but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t love me all the same. Or does it? Should he just reject me because I’m not male? I’m not what he wanted, so that means I’m worthless none the less. Well, I’m worthless in his eyes and probably in everyone else’s that are in contact with him. Shame they believe in his lies, he’s not ill, he just likes the attention to be on him, no one else.

One thing that I have learnt off my mother is “Leopards never change their spots”, so if someone makes the same mistake over and over, then it becomes a CHOICE not a MISTAKE! My father has made so many choices in HIS life, pushed me and my sister out of it, more than fucking once! Cares more about someone else’s kids rather than his own and had affairs through both his marriages and relationships, destroying those he was with. Those that escaped were lucky to get out when they could.

Families can break easily. Disagreements, arguments, they all lead to disaster for all involved. I’m lucky in the fact I only have a small outer family, hardly any aunties or uncles but I do have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. 4 of which are not full blood related, but we still care about each other deeply, no matter about the “half”.

Growing up I thought maybe life in future would be different, then my parents got divorced and that destroyed me. Mentally as well as physically. I felt like I had no choice but to pick sides, I mean my mum was always there for me but I also wanted my dad to be there for me. I never got the father I wanted whilst growing up, I don’t even have him now at the age of 17 and a half. I did for less than a year…then of course, I was the one that “fucked it up.” Just because I wanted to get to know my family outside of my siblings and parents, I didn’t know that would make me such a bad person for doing so. I always think to my self “What if I hadn’t wanted to meet them” then maybe he’d still talk to me, then I remind myself that hes an asshole and was always going to get rid of me, he just needed a reason and I gave him one.

I wish life was different but I can’t change it now, so I’ve just got to keep moving forward…Pushing through all the pain and hurt from the past, which I am yet to get over, unfortunately life isn’t as easy as that though.
I hate to admit this but I do have abandonment issues, it all leads back to my dad leaving me after my parents breaking up, he only wanted to know my sister, the rest of us were baggage to him. Dirt cheap baggage.  We meant nothing to him, not even his own blood. But like they say, you win some, you lose some.

And I definitely won where my dad was concerned.

Till Next Time, Amber.


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