If Only…

This weeks blog is about the What Ifs that people get throughout there lives. I have had on more than one occasion stayed up wondering about the “What Ifs” in my life and wishing a certain thing never happened. It’s heartbreaking, it’s mentally frustrating and many do not understand why you feel that way. Even though I don’t understand why I ever get into that state of wondering if things where different.

What we need to learn is that things are the way they are and nothing can change that…maybe nothing can bring your loved one back or alter the past. It just doesn’t happen. It’s a fucking terrible thing to comes to terms with, it’s taken me a while and to this very day I still question it on often occasions. I do wish certain factors of my past life and life at present didn’t happen and I constantly ponder about what if things were different. What if I went instead of him? What if my father didn’t abandon me, would I still be like this?

All these unanswered questions that we know will never get answers too…no matter how hard we try. But it seems like we are shouting out into the void, where no one can hear us cry. Some face one too many storms in their life time but how do they have the strength to carry on? I honestly do not know why I am still here, the what ifs keep me awake at night, giving me sleepless nights and restless days. It just doesn’t make sense, it just never truly sinks in that the what ifs will never happen, because we still want to hold onto that little bit of hope that it might just, one day.

I must admit it is extremely difficult to avoid those feelings coming into your mind, but once they get there, you start questioning pretty much everything. Asking yourself “What If I wasn’t here?” “What if I just disappear?” No one can answer those questions, some will try and answer them but honestly, I think some times, the what ifs should just stay as “what ifs”. They are in your imagination, something that you can’t help think about on some days or on some nights. They just occur out of nowhere, as no one really asks for the heartbreaking what ifs that could be asked at any given moment.

When life gives you lemons, I suggest you chuck them at the “What Ifs” and skip the lemonade.

Till Next Time, Amber.

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