Healing The Brokeness

I know I haven’t posted in a while and I am genuinely sorry for that.

I just had no idea on what to write about, all my ideas just didn’t seem worthy of writing and probably wouldn’t of helped in the slightest. But then I suddenly thought of this blog to write.

Recently I have been thinking about the past. I say “The Past” like it’s stuff from years and years ago, when in reality I’m really only thinking from around 2013 on wards. And honestly it’s mostly been about my old relationships.
I have no idea as to why I have been thinking about them, I just have. But this time of year has always set off my depression as this was around the time my “First Love” broke up with me after 11 months. And damn, it still fucking haunts me to this very day.

Yes I am 100% over him as I have someone new in my life now, but I don’t know…it kinda just makes me feel abit worthless…unlovable….and worst of all, a slut. I’m honestly not the SLUT type character and do not follow the stereotype of one, but it was just the way the last few months of our relationship went. I was basically his little secret.
I was so young at that stage, at 14 how was I supposed to know what true love was? Especially to a 17 year old boy! I’ve learnt so much since then and tried not to wear my heart on my sleeve, that failed….dramatically. I tried to keep my heart sheltered from hurt and destruction, but at the end of it, I was the one being bruised by it, it was never the guys…Just me.

It just seems that no matter what I do, I seem to never do it right. I have fucked up 3 relationships this year, admittedly if someone just doesn’t “like me in that way” then fair enough, I would want to know about it. But it’s just the way they all broke up with me. 2/3 was through a Facebook Message and claimed They loved me, so they were breaking up with me because of that.” I personally don’t see how loving someone can lead to them breaking up with you, but hey that’s just my opinion. I could be entirely wrong in someone else’s eyes, it just depends on their perspective I suppose.

Coming back to the Emotional side of “Post – break-ups” It is generally very shitty. There’s a lot crying, hurt and regret. It does make you think about what you could have done better and the constant questions running through your mind of “Wasn’t I good enough?” “Maybe they have fallen in love with someone else?” But in all honestly, 9 times out of 10, you will never find out what the true reason is. And when you do come out of a bad break up, your ex normally ends up blocking you on every social media site possible and blocking your phone number, although you want answers to set your mind at ease.
That has to be the worst thing about break ups…the unanswered questions that are left after it has all bull-dozed over. You rarely get them, although you are the one that deserves an explanation.
After a break-up, majority of the time it’s mostly the Dumpee/dumpy” that is an absolute wreck for a few weeks and the “Dumper” just seems to be getting on with their day to day lives like fuck all has happened! When you break up with someone, the last thing you could do is apologize for being such an asshole and for breaking their heart! Because honestly getting your heart broken, time and time again, really fucking hurts! It’s an emotional pain, like you have been stabbed multiple times in the heart and the littlest thing could make you spark up like a firework. It could be a certain song, quote, movie, literally anything and it can set you off into a whirling pit of sadness and countless hours of crying.
Its nothing to be ashamed of, if someone hurts you, hunt that bitch down and slash their fucking tires of their car! (Please don’t actually do that, because if you get caught have fun paying the bill!) But in all honestly if someone does break up with you, it’s just best to leave it. It’s old news and it clearly wasn’t working out so let it rest. Find someone better who actually loves you to the ends of the earth and not just in love with the idea of you. Most people deserve better than who they have, but if you are happy with the person you are with, “deserving better” means fuck all!

 

I’ve met my Prince Charming, I hope you meet your perfect someone some day.

Till Next Time, Amber.

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