All Alone Again…

Well what is there to say that hasn’t already been said.
I will keep repeating the same words over and over in my head in the same order. “Worthless”, “Unwanted” and worst of all, “Alone”. No one likes being alone, you can feel lonely in a crowded room, you don’t necessarily have to be by yourself.
Unwanted – it always seems so daunting to some of us. There are more than just one way of being this particular thing. You might have been abandoned, or simply put, not invited somewhere…even by your own family. At times I feel like the most useless, unwanted piece of shit ever because nobody actually cares enough to bother with me, let alone want me to be around. I’ve been abandoned more than once, and heaven forbid am I going through that again, but something inside of me makes me so unsure of it. It’s the unknowing of whats to come that scares us all the most. It defiantly scares me. The truth underneath all the lies.

Lies are what kill us, no matter how small, they will always tear us apart. Always.

Being alone is one of the worst fucking feelings in the world. It’s like your numb and are incapable of feeling. The smallest bit of happiness could come and go in a flash, just like lightening. Whereas sadness decides to stick around…as the saying goes “Hello darkness, my old friend.”

But is darkness really our friend? Or does it want to drag you down into a bottomless pit that could potentially make you worse? The darkness always wins. It thrives on winning and thrives on the weak as they know your weaknesses and never considers your strengths. It appears when your at your lowest or feeling alone; it will come back to haunt you, even on your brightest days.
Even on days that I am actually feeling okay for once, it’ll strike…maybe not right away…but it’ll wait till a specific moment to take its toll on me. Most of the time this happens at around 2/3am which is very inconvenient as no one is awake and your chasing down your demons by your self. With no one fighting your corner. But that’s their intention. Catch you off guard, with no one their to help you through your hour of need.

But I guess I never have anyone fighting my corner.

I am so alone on this planet known as earth. I have no one. Who would want to be friends with me? Let alone fall in love with me? Its true what they say  “Boys don’t fall in love with sad girls.” And why would they? Why would Prince Charming pick the sad lonely girl that no one could fix? She can’t even fix herself, but maybe that’s okay. Not all fairy tales end in happily ever after…

What happens to the girl that gets forgotten about? What happens to the girl that is only convenient when she needs to baby sit, needs to give advice or just their to rant to?
She’s sat their writing about her feelings right here on this blog. I am that girl.

The girl that no body wants to be around because shes “Too depressed.”

I’m sorry I couldn’t make you prouder and I’m sorry I am only convenient when you want something…I’ll try harder next time.

 

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3 thoughts on “All Alone Again…

  1. I don’t think it’s always about needing to be fixed. That implies broken, and everyones definition of broken varies. We may consider ourselves broken but does everyone else? not likely. It all depends how you look at things, its like you’re looking for a shirt in your closet and can’t find it, you could have a thousand shirts you just pushed out of the way and didn’t notice because you were fixated on finding that one shirt, its kind of like that. We are our worst critic, something we dislike about ourselves is magnified by like 1000 percent, where someone else may not even think of it as bad.Basically in admist the rambling, try to think about the good, as hard as it might be there has to be something, maybe a job you like or a hobby or a goal, anything. That way when the darkness comes it won’t completely crush everything. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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